Seven truths about affairs that nobody thinks of – until it’s too late

The devastating reality of an affair can often hit after the event. Consider the following if you’re tempted by infidelity

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If you’re thinking about having an affair, you’re not alone. The stats suggest that roughly 40 per cent of long-term relationships are affected by infidelity – and in the words of relationship guru Esther Perel, “affairs are ubiquitous and here to stay”.
But while affairs are more common than anyone who has said ‘I do’ or co-signed a mortgage would care to think, it doesn’t make them acceptable.
It might be standard to chuckle along to the sexual shenanigans in Rivals or think less than twice about the extra-marital relationships we read about in the realms of history and biography, but the wrenching devastation caused by affairs is rarely spoken about.
If you happen to be poised on the brink of what is feeling like heart-racing excitement or sweet escape into the arms of another, put that booking.com reservation on hold and read this first.
For better or worse, the bond we form with a romantic partner is “a primal bond, akin to early attachment,” says Tara Saglio, a couples psychotherapist who has been in practice for 25 years. “This means the betrayal of cheating can create a depth of pain that’s hard to imagine, often leading to anxiety, depression and/or PTSD.”
In addition, the injured party can suffer from flashbacks for years afterwards, according to the experts. These could be triggered by anything from the name of a hotel used as a sex spot to seeing someone who reminds them of the other person.
Katherine, 48, remembers the pain of infidelity was so bad, she became addicted to the codeine her GP had prescribed to help her sleep. “By the time people are ready to talk about infidelity, the suffering and sleepless nights are on the wane, but that doesn’t alter the intense and agonising pain caused when your partner betrays you,” Katherine adds.
In short, when you betray your partner you must be prepared for the aftermath which will either be a total breakdown of trust and cooperation if you leave, or a very prolonged mop-up job if you stay.
“Sex can be good in the immediate aftermath of an affair as a couple seeks to reassert their need to be with each other,” Saglio says. “But sexual jealousy is a potent force and it’s common for unwelcome images to intrude into the hurt party’s mind further down the line – and for many years afterwards.”
Post-affair sex is also affected by lack of trust. One hurt party I spoke to is able to have intercourse with her husband (who had a 12-month affair with a client), but can no longer cope with oral sex: “It’s just too intimate.” So if your affair is not an exit affair (one that you’re having because, in your mind, the relationship is over), consider that you may be sabotaging your sex life for years to come; ironically, the intimacy forged from being honest and open with your partner is likely to inject the sexual spark back into a relationship.
Cheaters withhold crucial information from the non-straying partner; when that partner finds out, inevitably they have to recalibrate their back catalogue of memories in light of what was actually happening at the time. Jenny, 45, from Somerset, recalls the moment she found out her husband had been cheating for four years: “My first thought was, ‘All those holidays; all those Christmases and birthdays!’ I had to recast each one in light of the fact that my husband had been lying to me.” For the cheater, this is worth considering as happy memories will no longer be available for you to share and enjoy.
Some are too young to know what’s going on, but most find out in the end. And, of course, older children will be fully aware of the devastation wreaked by infidelity. When Emma, 44, from Cheshire, found out her husband was cheating, it was impossible to hide it from her two teenagers who witnessed the rows, the tears – and the three months without their father who initially moved out. Years of love and trust were dismantled overnight and even though her father has moved back home, the eldest still refuses to talk to him.
Children may forgive in the end, but they never forget: several of the adults interviewed for this piece revealed that where their fathers cheated (during their childhood), they continue to call the women with whom the cheating occurred by the disparaging nicknames conferred decades prior. “It’s a way of being able to cope with something traumatic,” says Louise Tyler, a couples therapist.
They may not show it (people are far too polite, especially in this country), but affairs are very triggering for others, especially those in couples, and “the cheater forgoes their reputation as a virtuous person or family man,” says Saglio. Some friends are lost altogether, especially when affairs occur in the same social circle. Samantha and Marc had children at the same school in South London and were part of a close-knit local community of parents and friends; when their affair was exposed “most people never spoke to them again,” recalls one member of the group.
When you have an affair, often “it’s because you are feeling vulnerable and you require external validation,” Tyler says. Although it’s difficult to admit to vulnerabilities, which can take the form of anything from grievances to unmet expectations; annoyances to depression, it is essential to do so, as what might make you feel good in the short term will create a deeper wound further down the line when you are facing the same self-esteem issues with guilt and self-loathing piled on top.
Once the affair is exposed, the cheater generally wants to put everything behind them and move on. “But discovering infidelity is a huge shock and the hurt party has to cycle through all the stages of grief – anger; loss; sadness – before anything like acceptance and peace can be reached,” says Tyler. “This can take years.” So if you’re on the brink of an affair because you feel that you and your partner have drifted apart, bear in mind that cheating will split open that chasm even further.
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